creative nonfiction essay I wrote for class

The Regulars

This doesn’t end well. It doesn’t beginning or middle well, either.

i ain't passed the bar, but i know a little bit.

Before my predictions, I'd like to say a couple of things.

• First, I'd like to apologize for the long layoff. I realize that consistency is extremely important to keeping a blog running, and so I'll try to be that. Yeah.
  
• Second, there were a ton of html issues with that last post, so that I couldn't tag it or change the title, date, or font. Not sure why.
• Third, you're welcome.
  

Now, without further ado, the picks:

my god, what have i done?

It was only a matter of time before I used this picture, wasn't it? Today's agenda, coming back after my indulgent hiatus, is reviewing Talking Heads' Remain in Light, the best album of the 80s. In many ways it's a very visionary album, both in terms of its willingness to combine African polyrhythms with Talking Heads' already-unique sound and its early use (thanks, Brian Eno!) of advanced production and effects. Jonathan Swift and Matthew Arnold described the ideal combination of intelligence and beauty as "sweetness and light;" in our more enlightened age, there's only one way to describe an album like Remain in Light: thebomb.com.

life outside the diamond is a wrench.

A few things:

--A quick football roundup:

• I was just about on the money with my predictions (5-1), with a few notable flaws in reasoning (dead wrong about the Falcons, and turnovers, not the running game, killed Auburn in their game against Arkansas).
• Bama's got to be the favorite now, if they weren't already. Anyone else catch that headsnapper Macaroy caught from the Ole Miss linebacker? One of the best hits of the year.
  
• Florida clearly has a great defense, but Steve Addazio's offense has some serious issues, namely the failure to incorporate Aaron Hernandez into the game.
• LSU is who I thought they were, a roundly unspectacular team playing far too conservatively to upset anyone. We don't threaten deep, we don't threaten over the middle, we can't run consistently, and we get a ton of penalties. I'd still keep Crowton, but we need a damn quarterback (whither art thou, Perrilloux?).
• I wouldn't take Virginia Tech's latest round of beatings too seriously; they rock bad teams (ACC ball all day baby) but nearly lost to Nebraska and, if you'll recall, got shadrached by Bama.
• Pretty wary of Texas, too. McCoy's throwing a ton of picks against not-good teams; that offense is missing Quan Cosby almost as much as Ole Miss is missing Mike Wallace. If Oklahoma wins the Shootout, the Big 12's out of the MNC hunt for good, barring some real upsets in God's Conference.
  

--Speaking of Oklahoma, say hello to Ray-Ray.

--I watched the "Niagara" episode of The Office for the first time yesterday, and I'm really wowed by how the show can always up the weirdness (Dwight's whispery mixtape: "Oh, that I could trade places with you"), awkwardness (the post-cuteness portion of Jim's speech), or general hilarity ("I always look forward to smoking my afternoon cigars," "I'm not gay, I'm Kevin," the three-wolf shirt, and "I wouldn't care to live if I thought that") even after the central conceit has been thrown out the window. Pretty nice return to form overall, with the exception of the youtube meme wedding thing, which was just kind of lame.

--Also caught up on Fringe. Pleasepleaseplease stay this weird.

--This is the funniest thing I've seen from SNL in a long while, with the exception of the things I see on 30 Rock:



--No guarantees for a post tomorrow. I'm crazy tired after today's workload (presentation, extended essay, exam), and I'll be savoring Fall Break once it hits tomorrow afternoon.

I think you're more than a terrified witness, behind the arbitrary line.

Football prediction party, beginning now:

ALABAMA at Ole Miss: Bama is, whether I like it or not, probably playing the soundest football in the country right now, and clearly has the best resume (garnered, however, on favorable matchups). Ole Miss' ballsy defense (an old-school man-blitz scheme) should keep Bama's inside power runs to a minimum and force McElroy to win a few battles himself. The problem is, he's shown himself to be capable of doing just that to teams who have played him that way. As for Ole Miss' offense, flip a coin. It's highly unlikely that Snead suddenly recovers his talents against Bama's D, but he's the sort of guy who either throws 4 picks or 4 tds in a game (gunslinger!), so don't count him out yet. Houston Nutt is also always good for an upset for every two staggering losses to underdogs.

My prediction: Luck is just fine, but a Process is better; Bama finally tears the heart out of Ole Miss' season, 35-10.

Auburn at ARKANSAS: The Vampire Jetgate Bowl is a lot harder for me to predict. Auburn's defense really is woefully bad, and will catch up to them sometime, I just don't know if that sometime is today. Arkansas' defense is also really bad, but I think that if their offense can stay on the field and chew up clock (Petrino's M.O. against spread offenses) it may not matter. Michael Smith is also the type of back (elusive, prone to breaking arm-tackles and beating safeties) who can cause a lot of problems for Auburn, assuming (and this is a fair assumption) that Mallett is having a good day throwing.

My prediction: If Auburn can run consistently, they'll win today, because it takes pressure off of Todd and also extends drives, helping their defense out. I think Arkansas' defense will take the run away from Auburn, though, and that Auburn's lack of a deep threat at wideout and a defense will finally cost them. Arkansas takes it, in a 31-28 type game.

FLORIDA at LSU: This matchup last year was one of the most miserable experiences of my relatively short career as a college football fan. LSU was on the verge of forcing a three-and-out from the best team in the country on its first drive, when Curtis Taylor, our free safety, batted the ball up (and seemingly away)...into Percy Harvin's waiting hands, who ran it in for a 70-yard touchdown. It set the tone for the rest of the game, which was a shadraching of epic proportions.

I think this year will be a distinctively different (but no less agonizing) type of loss. LSU's defense is improved to say the least, and has individual stars (particularly in the secondary) to rival Florida's. Our pass rush is fairly pedestrian, but our secondary is good enough to make it irrelevant. For the first time since I've been watching LSU, our linebackers are playing disciplined ball, so a lot of the option looks Florida uses will probably get shut down (look for Kelvin Sheppard and Perry Riley, LSU's outside guys, to both have big games on the perimeter).

This is all a moot point, however, if LSU can't score, and you better believe that they won't score against Florida's defense. You can basically only beat them by messing with their safeties on a good play-action fake, and since the line won't be able to run and since Jordan Jefferson is allergic to throwing the deep ball, we won't be doing much of that. There's nothing in the past 4 games for either team to suggest that LSU will be able to run (thanks Brandon Spikes) or throw its patented short-outs to its receivers (thanks Janoris Jenkins and Joe Haden), and with Jefferson at the helm that really is our offense. I love our receivers, but they can only make so many plays on their own.

My prediction: Death by a thousand cuts for LSU, losing about 20-10 to the gators.

I'd talk about Iowa-Michigan (hint: Pat Angerer gets Angererier) or Oregon-UCLA, but most of the games today pick themselves.

A smattering of NFL predictions:

Atlanta at SAN FRANCISCO: Atlanta has shown very little of last year's relationship between Matt Ryan and Roddy White, and if it's still ineffective this game (pleasepleaseplease) then Atlanta will lose. Patrick Willis will have another monster game, and could feasibly take both Tony Gonzalez and Michael Turner out of the game covering the middle.

My prediction: San Fran, in a 17-7 patented Shaun Hill win.

INDY at Tennessee: How does 0-5 sound, bitches? Manning and the Indy defensive line are on a crazy-hot streak and the Titans have no offense (sorry Chris Johnson) and no secondary, so I think this game calls itself. In all likelihood, unless the Titans suddenly become last year's Titans, it won't even be close.

My prediction: Indy, 28-10.

New England at DENVER: Tom Brady has regressed to his old, pre-2007 self, which is the real Tom Brady (25 TDs, 3,500 yards, 85 passer rating). It's certainly not a bad place to be, but Brady--and this team--just aren't what they were in 2007, to ESPN's utter disbelief. Its offense is no longer as explosive (though Randy Moss definitely still has it) and its defense is nothing special. Denver, meanwhile, has a defense I'm slowly coming around on (Elvis Dumerville sips pina coladas on a tropical island with me in my dreams) and the best offensive line in the league. They win ugly (thanks Kyle Orton!), but they do win.

My prediction: Denver, 14-13.

That's all for now. Can I get any feedback from you guys on the length of the predictions? I can do longer for each, shorter for each, more predictions, etc.

This is why first impressions are often correct

--Some things are starting to crystallize in my mind regarding this blog:

• I think that I will indeed update daily, but that I'll only have one extended post (e.g. the Andrew Bird post) on music/movies/books once per week, probably on Tuesdays.
• Still thinking that I'll have sports (football duh) on Mondays and Fridays (reactions and predictions, respectively)
• We got peeds, y'all! We're officially on the internet (I had my doubts).
• Seriously, Bill, I respect your game, and you clearly put a lot of thought into that comment (maybe I was looking out into the distance on horseback for some manner of pedophile mirage), but it's over, dog.
• xoxo

--In part to avoid a debilitating oversaturation with Talking Heads a la Sufjan Stevens, I've acquired a truly ridiculous amount of music over the last two months. We've got:

• Monsters of Folk (best name ever), Self-Titled
  
• The Mountain Goats, Tallahassee
• Megafaun, Gather, Form & Fly
• David Byrne and Brian Eno, Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
• David Byrne and Brian Eno, My Life in the Bush of Ghosts
• St. Vincent, Actor
• TVOTR, Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes
• Sunset Rubdown, Dragonslayer
• Sonic Youth, Daydream Nation
• The Rural Alberta Advantage, Hometowns
• My Bloody Valentine, Loveless
  
• Pixies, Doolittle
• Talking Heads, Little Creatures

In all likelihood, I'll skip over most of these when I'm doing my top ten list in January. Not only is there a ton of competition, but I've had a bad and longstanding habit of giving albums less thorough listens than they deserve, and then putting them on the "Honorable Mentions" list (Return to Cookie Mountain and a number of Josh Ritter albums suffered this fate, if I remember correctly, on the original list in 2007). Some of the denser albums I've gotten this year, like Merriweather Post Pavilion and Bitte Orca, will probably get the same treatment. So far, though, Loveless, Hometowns, GF&F and the Byrne/Eno albums are the most promising. Also, a top twenty songs list (new feature!!!!) is taking shape in my brainzone right now.

--Next week's culture post will either be on a Talking Heads album, a movie, or Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino.

--The Cardinals are the chokingest bunch of chokers; disgraceful performances these last two nights.

From the first drop of water, to the raging Niagara...

It would be incorrect to say that I've had a love-hate relationship with Andrew Bird, even ignoring the (alleged) irrationality of claiming to have a relationship with someone I don't know. Really, it's been a lot more of a care-not care relationship.

Ben first introduced me to Andrew Bird around the summer before my junior year, beginning with The Swimming Hour, which I to date still look upon with great fondness. How did I develop this fondness, you ask? By indulging in orgiastic listening excess the likes of which would make Alex from A Clockwork Orange blush.

this is not 'Nam. this is blogging. there are rules.

I made this blog because

• I'm jealous of Mac's blog
• I remember the salad days of LiveJournal, where I would spend hours writing posts only to get zero comments (unless you count Chris Coffee, which I don't)
  
• Just kidding, Chris, everyone gets a free ticket to Zingtown on occasion
• I'm not entirely sure it's not 2004 right now
• Speaking of which, remember how great Garden State was?
• Not really :(
• I'm a narcissist (ladies).

I'll almost certainly be writing about sports, music, movies, and books here in blogfrica, and I'll do my due diligence when it comes to avoiding my personal life (saving the rainforest, inventing a perpetual-motion machine, creating a pheromone to keep the amount of women who mob me on a day-to-day basis manageable) and stick to what you guys really want to read, which are my fascinating opinions. If you don't care about sports, then don't read my sports posts (you sissies). If you don't care about music/movies/books, then don't read those posts (you illiterate Babylonians).

I'll avoid anything and everything to do with philosophy/politics, because more like bore-ophyll, amirite? Yes, I'm right. Besides, I don't want to create deep and abiding tensions within our tightly-knit community so soon (do I look like Ayn Rand to you?). If something really grinds my gears (or chaps my caboose, if I may be so crass), politically speaking, I'll ignore it if at all possible. If something tragic happens (not that tragedies happen anymore, because if I remember correctly a certain Texan is out of the White House [topical!]) I'll probably ignore that, too, for the sake of not looking back on said entry a year later and rolling my eyes at the hyperbole.

In short, this is a blog about culture, except for the politics and religion parts of it (which nobody in this country cares about duh). In addition to answering certain burning questions, my hope is that, in the distant future, while lounging on their spacecouches and smoking their astroturf, the three-eyed indigo children who read this blog will say, "Ah, this is what the ancient hoo-mahns called Brain Porn! (also featuring sports on a weekly basis!)" and then laugh and laugh at our feeble attempts to rival their spacecomedy.