like a track team, crack fiend, dying to geek.

Sorry for the lack of postage, it's been celebration time ever since I finished my exams. Just like always after a layoff, instead of an actual post, here's some:

--Youtubery, the "they didn't expect this internet thing to pan out" edition:

• You be rappin bout tacos, Wayne Terrell was movin the shit.
  
• Snap that shit up.
• Yuck! Stop.
  
• Esto es vivia!
• Little, reclusive, power-filled monsters.
• Nick is total douche. Get with it, old man.
  

--With the right equipment, the image could be enlarged and sharpened.

--I'm expecting The Room, Tommy Wiseau's quirky black comedy, to be delivered in the next few days. My excitement is palpable.

(a thousand hat tips to EDSBS and Videogum).

you're a liar and that's the truth, you're an extra lost in the scene.

--NBA geopolitics are crystallizing pretty quickly.

• The Lakers are the lone superpower; they haven't been road tested, but I have my doubts about whether that will matter in the long run. This team just looks unstoppable.
• The Celtics and the Magic are the most likely spoilers. The former absolutely have to have everyone healthy and focused when the playoffs roll around, and the latter have to find a way to incorporate Jameer Nelson into their offense once he returns from injury.
  

• The Durantulas (OKC), Phoenix, and Houston are looking like teams you really don't want to run across in the playoffs.
• The Hornets are, a quarter of the way into the season, finally looking like they're ready for it. Chris Paul is the best player in the basketball.
• How's Shaq working out for you, Cavs? Is it finally not 2000 anymore?

--NFL geopolitics are also quite clear by now. It's a Cold War between the Saints and the Colts, who definitely look to be on a collision course. The Colts' traditional playoff foes, the Steelers and the Patriots, are both reeling, and the Saints' greatest challengers, the Vikings, just got blown out on national television.

--Suh for Heisman. If not him, Gerhart. If not Gerhart, Spiller, who didn't even get the invite to New York.

--This is awesome, both as a "Justin Vernon is a really cool guy" story and as a potentially very interesting musical exercise.

--And now a Larry Bird story, via Wikipedia: During one game on Christmas Day against the Indiana Pacers, before the game Bird told Chuck Person that he had a Christmas present waiting for him. During the game, when Person was on the bench, Bird shot a three-pointer on the baseline right in front of Person. Immediately after releasing the ball, Bird said to Person, "Merry fuckin' Christmas!", and then the shot went in. This was no doubt inspired by Person (nicknamed the "Rifleman") stating prior to the game that "The Rifleman is Coming, and He's Going Bird Hunting."

florabamageddon 2: the quickening.

For the second year in a row, the biggest game of the year is the SEC Championship, and for the second year in a row it's between Florida and Alabama. Last year, the Gators managed to win despite the loss of All-Everything hybrid wideout Percy Harvin to glass bone syndrome; this year, they attempt the same despite the loss of defensive end Carlos Dunlap to serious brain cramps (a DUI a week before the biggest game of the season).

Last year, the story was very much Nick Saban's defense versus Urban Meyer's offense. With the losses of Harvin and offensive coordinator Dan Mullen, however, the Fightin' Tebows have suffered a precipitous decline on offense, the result of deficiencies in pass protection and playcalling diversity (divey dive dive TEBOW SMASH Aaron Hernandez post route divey dive dive kooky option). Florida's defense, however, is a mangler of untold proportions. Saban's defense is certainly nasty and executes better than anyone else in the country, but Charlie Strong's is undoubtedly the more creative, more explosive, and dirtier of the two. If you buy into this game as a duel between Mark Ingram and Tim Tebow, I think you'll be gravely disappointed.

you've got to enjoy the little things.

Zombieland is a zomromcom in the tradition of Shaun of the Dead, another very clever, very reverent pastiche of zombie movie tropes. Though not without its flaws, the film is a unique and occasionally hilarious take on very well-tread cinematic territory.

so it wasn't a game, cracking all the mirrors in shame.

Since I don't have much insight to give everybody today, I can only post that which brings me the most joy in this world, delightful youtubery:

--A Thanksgiving miracle!

--I had pretty much assumed that this was how it went down.

--This is about how I feel about metal in general.

--From what I've heard, they never mention this again in the movie.

--I can't believe I had never heard of this movie and Tommy Wiseau's caveman hair before today. Seriously, it's the gift that keeps on giving (topical!). I have an extremely hard time believing that almost the entire cast had never been in a feature length film before.

--The Room's staunchest competition, though? MKA, baby.

--And finally, some Bynumite, ladies and gentlemen.

Coming up tomorrow and Friday: a Zombieland review and a preview of the SEC Championship.

38-17.

To quote Matt Millen: "Statement game, shmatement game." That was one hell of a shmatement game. Unstoppable offense and AGGRO-CRAG defense from a team that isn't even at full strength. I couldn't be more excited.

lord, how i want to be in that number when the sun refuse to shine.

Since their inaugural season in 1967, the New Orleans Saints have been unparalleled at one thing. Unlike the Pittsburgh Steelers, it hasn't been excellent defense. Unlike the Indianapolis Colts, it hasn't been for quarterbacks who have defined entire eras. Few Saints have been placed in the pantheon of great players, and no one has ever referred to the Superdome in the same hushed tones as Lambeau.

what'll i do when i don't have you, when i finally get what i deserve?

--Sorry for the layoff. Blame it on my research paper (and the rain).

--A few very brief sports notes:

• Les Miles lost me in a complete and abject way on Saturday. The worst display of in-game coaching I have ever, ever witnessed. Gary Crowton, who I was reluctant to turn on earlier in the season, is clearly hurting this team. I could write more about this, and probably will should we lose to Arkansas (something that can't be terribly unlikely after a loss like that).
• In other news, Charlie Weis is toast, and UConn gets a tip of the cap from sentimental old me for it.
  
• Is there any way that the NFC Championship won't be Saints-Vikings or that the AFC Championship won't be Colts-Pats? Belichick was right to go for it on 4th and 2, by the way, but why not run there?
  
• A mock draft will be coming soon.
  
• The Celtics look worn out, plain and simple. I don't know if it makes me sadder to see K.G. losing a step or Glenn Dorsey struggling in Kansas City.
• The Hornets, meanwhile, knocked off the team with the best record with the West, the team with the best record in the East, and nearly the Heat on the road last night, despite having the league MVP sitting on the bench in (admittedly fresh) street clothes.
• Also, boo Lakers. Boo forever.
  

--I caught up on The Office and Community recently. "Murder" is in contention with "Product Recall" for the funniest Office episode I've ever seen. Meanwhile Community is getting better ("Intro to Statistics" was excellent) and that Alison Brie is quite the minx.

--As you may know, there were at least five good movies this year, and they're starting to trickle into the dollar theater. You can expect reviews for movies like The Informant, Inglourious Basterds, and Tyler Perry: I Can Do Bad All by Myself here very soon.

--Which German song is your favorite?

--Bon Iver, Bonnie "Prince" Billy, and the Rural Alberta Advantage have been in heavy rotation for me lately, and they're throwing some kinks into my presumed Top 10.

--It's real to me, damn it!

found eighteen reasons i can't pick up on the phone.

--Pretty close call on LSU, I'd say; I was there at the game, and I got my Psyduck on way later than I expected. Bama's defense didn't seem to have much of an answer for Jordan Jefferson's mobility, but Jordan Jefferson's ankles did, which, along with Patrick Peterson's cramps, killed the Tigers in that game. It was as much a loss to Gamblor, the fickle god of football fortune, as anything. As a rational fan I have to remind myself that, considering how low my hopes were for LSU's season after the Florida game, it'd be a huge win for stability to finish 11-2 (though with Arkansas and Ole Miss [giggity!] still on the schedule, no guarantees).

--Meanwhile, I'll be pulling for Bama from here on out. They played a very clean game against LSU despite the injuries, and I've got nothing but respect for their star players, especially Rolando McClain. Can't say the same for Florida or Texas.

--I swept the NFL picks, nearly going perfect on the Steelers-Broncos game. San Diego's passing attack shot the Giants' secondary dead when it mattered most, and Dallas won a (admitted more lo-fi than expected) game against Philly. The Colts did end up winning thanks to some dumb Schaub throws, and to those who say that the Texans got cheated on the questionable Ryan Moats fumble, two words: y'all jealous.

--Meanwhile, here's an update: the Patriots aren't for real. They're going to come back to earth as soon as they play the Colts (not pumped up for that game no not at all).

--YOU'RE WELCOME! DOUBLE YOU'RE WELCOME!

--Finally, a win for hustle and grit. Somewhere up there, Greg Paulus is smiling.

--Plus, a real dunk!

and satan is my motor (hear my motor purr).

One college pick, since I don't care about Penn St.-Ohio St.:

work well with nines, a.k.'s, and techs.

--The NBA's back, yo, along with the excellent The Basketball Jones podcast.

• The C's look about as good as they did in their championship run. Their depth is ridiculous, Sheed (BALL DON'T LIE!) looks like he belongs there, and they're the best team in the league if Doc can manage the vets' minutes.
• Their biggest competition? The Magic, whose much-touted offseason moves appear to be working out.
  
• Phoenix, San Antonio, and Denver, meanwhile, look like they can keep pace with the Pau-less Lakers in the West.
  
• Jason Maxiell eats babies. Not necessarily relevant, but it's always relevant.
• LeBron James may be better, but Dwyane Wade is actually fun to watch.
• The Knicks, Nets, and OKC fit roundly into the "not good, but a hell of a lot of fun" category.
• My Hornets, unfortunately, fit into the "not good, and agony to watch" category. Chris Paul is playing at an absurdly high level, and the team's still 1-3 against the bottom of the NBA barrel. Hope, baby, hope.
  

--Football, you say?

• I was in the ATL (where the dirty be found, I hear) over the weekend, so I didn't get to make any predictions. In all likelihood I only would've made NFL predictions, because of how roundly uninteresting the college matchups were (if you didn't see that USC loss coming, you are lacking in judgment!!!).
• For one thing, I would've picked Minnesota to beat the Pack. Green Bay's o-line has got to be in the running for worst in the league at pass protection, and Minny's d-line is still playing very well. Though I'd like to, I won't shortchange Favre; he was excellent, as he has been thus far all season.
• Baltimore-Denver was another interesting matchup, and again I would've correctly predicted the winner. Denver's inability to threaten deep (an option the Ravens left open to Orton all game) really cost them, and Orton's limitations could signal the beginning of a precipitous decline for the team.
• Colts-San Fran was unexpectedly tight; the Colts' run defense was, for a little while anyway, reminiscent of the 2006 regular season. Meanwhile the rush offense is as plainly ineffective as it's been the past year and a half. We need Gonzalez back, ASAP.
• New Orleans' win over Atlanta was also a lot tighter than I expected, although it hinged on some pretty lucky plays for Atlanta (Brees' fumble-TD, the no-call on the Roddy White TD). Some cracks in the Saints' facade are beginning to reveal themselves, but the team's responded well to adversity so far and is still the class of the league.
• Sorry if I ever said anything mean about you, Ted Ginn.

--As for the rest of this week's schedule, I'll have an extended preview of LSU-Bama along with some predictions and an album review.

creative nonfiction essay I wrote for class

The Regulars

This doesn’t end well. It doesn’t beginning or middle well, either.

i ain't passed the bar, but i know a little bit.

Before my predictions, I'd like to say a couple of things.

• First, I'd like to apologize for the long layoff. I realize that consistency is extremely important to keeping a blog running, and so I'll try to be that. Yeah.
  
• Second, there were a ton of html issues with that last post, so that I couldn't tag it or change the title, date, or font. Not sure why.
• Third, you're welcome.
  

Now, without further ado, the picks:

my god, what have i done?

It was only a matter of time before I used this picture, wasn't it? Today's agenda, coming back after my indulgent hiatus, is reviewing Talking Heads' Remain in Light, the best album of the 80s. In many ways it's a very visionary album, both in terms of its willingness to combine African polyrhythms with Talking Heads' already-unique sound and its early use (thanks, Brian Eno!) of advanced production and effects. Jonathan Swift and Matthew Arnold described the ideal combination of intelligence and beauty as "sweetness and light;" in our more enlightened age, there's only one way to describe an album like Remain in Light: thebomb.com.

life outside the diamond is a wrench.

A few things:

--A quick football roundup:

• I was just about on the money with my predictions (5-1), with a few notable flaws in reasoning (dead wrong about the Falcons, and turnovers, not the running game, killed Auburn in their game against Arkansas).
• Bama's got to be the favorite now, if they weren't already. Anyone else catch that headsnapper Macaroy caught from the Ole Miss linebacker? One of the best hits of the year.
  
• Florida clearly has a great defense, but Steve Addazio's offense has some serious issues, namely the failure to incorporate Aaron Hernandez into the game.
• LSU is who I thought they were, a roundly unspectacular team playing far too conservatively to upset anyone. We don't threaten deep, we don't threaten over the middle, we can't run consistently, and we get a ton of penalties. I'd still keep Crowton, but we need a damn quarterback (whither art thou, Perrilloux?).
• I wouldn't take Virginia Tech's latest round of beatings too seriously; they rock bad teams (ACC ball all day baby) but nearly lost to Nebraska and, if you'll recall, got shadrached by Bama.
• Pretty wary of Texas, too. McCoy's throwing a ton of picks against not-good teams; that offense is missing Quan Cosby almost as much as Ole Miss is missing Mike Wallace. If Oklahoma wins the Shootout, the Big 12's out of the MNC hunt for good, barring some real upsets in God's Conference.
  

--Speaking of Oklahoma, say hello to Ray-Ray.

--I watched the "Niagara" episode of The Office for the first time yesterday, and I'm really wowed by how the show can always up the weirdness (Dwight's whispery mixtape: "Oh, that I could trade places with you"), awkwardness (the post-cuteness portion of Jim's speech), or general hilarity ("I always look forward to smoking my afternoon cigars," "I'm not gay, I'm Kevin," the three-wolf shirt, and "I wouldn't care to live if I thought that") even after the central conceit has been thrown out the window. Pretty nice return to form overall, with the exception of the youtube meme wedding thing, which was just kind of lame.

--Also caught up on Fringe. Pleasepleaseplease stay this weird.

--This is the funniest thing I've seen from SNL in a long while, with the exception of the things I see on 30 Rock:



--No guarantees for a post tomorrow. I'm crazy tired after today's workload (presentation, extended essay, exam), and I'll be savoring Fall Break once it hits tomorrow afternoon.

I think you're more than a terrified witness, behind the arbitrary line.

Football prediction party, beginning now:

ALABAMA at Ole Miss: Bama is, whether I like it or not, probably playing the soundest football in the country right now, and clearly has the best resume (garnered, however, on favorable matchups). Ole Miss' ballsy defense (an old-school man-blitz scheme) should keep Bama's inside power runs to a minimum and force McElroy to win a few battles himself. The problem is, he's shown himself to be capable of doing just that to teams who have played him that way. As for Ole Miss' offense, flip a coin. It's highly unlikely that Snead suddenly recovers his talents against Bama's D, but he's the sort of guy who either throws 4 picks or 4 tds in a game (gunslinger!), so don't count him out yet. Houston Nutt is also always good for an upset for every two staggering losses to underdogs.

My prediction: Luck is just fine, but a Process is better; Bama finally tears the heart out of Ole Miss' season, 35-10.

Auburn at ARKANSAS: The Vampire Jetgate Bowl is a lot harder for me to predict. Auburn's defense really is woefully bad, and will catch up to them sometime, I just don't know if that sometime is today. Arkansas' defense is also really bad, but I think that if their offense can stay on the field and chew up clock (Petrino's M.O. against spread offenses) it may not matter. Michael Smith is also the type of back (elusive, prone to breaking arm-tackles and beating safeties) who can cause a lot of problems for Auburn, assuming (and this is a fair assumption) that Mallett is having a good day throwing.

My prediction: If Auburn can run consistently, they'll win today, because it takes pressure off of Todd and also extends drives, helping their defense out. I think Arkansas' defense will take the run away from Auburn, though, and that Auburn's lack of a deep threat at wideout and a defense will finally cost them. Arkansas takes it, in a 31-28 type game.

FLORIDA at LSU: This matchup last year was one of the most miserable experiences of my relatively short career as a college football fan. LSU was on the verge of forcing a three-and-out from the best team in the country on its first drive, when Curtis Taylor, our free safety, batted the ball up (and seemingly away)...into Percy Harvin's waiting hands, who ran it in for a 70-yard touchdown. It set the tone for the rest of the game, which was a shadraching of epic proportions.

I think this year will be a distinctively different (but no less agonizing) type of loss. LSU's defense is improved to say the least, and has individual stars (particularly in the secondary) to rival Florida's. Our pass rush is fairly pedestrian, but our secondary is good enough to make it irrelevant. For the first time since I've been watching LSU, our linebackers are playing disciplined ball, so a lot of the option looks Florida uses will probably get shut down (look for Kelvin Sheppard and Perry Riley, LSU's outside guys, to both have big games on the perimeter).

This is all a moot point, however, if LSU can't score, and you better believe that they won't score against Florida's defense. You can basically only beat them by messing with their safeties on a good play-action fake, and since the line won't be able to run and since Jordan Jefferson is allergic to throwing the deep ball, we won't be doing much of that. There's nothing in the past 4 games for either team to suggest that LSU will be able to run (thanks Brandon Spikes) or throw its patented short-outs to its receivers (thanks Janoris Jenkins and Joe Haden), and with Jefferson at the helm that really is our offense. I love our receivers, but they can only make so many plays on their own.

My prediction: Death by a thousand cuts for LSU, losing about 20-10 to the gators.

I'd talk about Iowa-Michigan (hint: Pat Angerer gets Angererier) or Oregon-UCLA, but most of the games today pick themselves.

A smattering of NFL predictions:

Atlanta at SAN FRANCISCO: Atlanta has shown very little of last year's relationship between Matt Ryan and Roddy White, and if it's still ineffective this game (pleasepleaseplease) then Atlanta will lose. Patrick Willis will have another monster game, and could feasibly take both Tony Gonzalez and Michael Turner out of the game covering the middle.

My prediction: San Fran, in a 17-7 patented Shaun Hill win.

INDY at Tennessee: How does 0-5 sound, bitches? Manning and the Indy defensive line are on a crazy-hot streak and the Titans have no offense (sorry Chris Johnson) and no secondary, so I think this game calls itself. In all likelihood, unless the Titans suddenly become last year's Titans, it won't even be close.

My prediction: Indy, 28-10.

New England at DENVER: Tom Brady has regressed to his old, pre-2007 self, which is the real Tom Brady (25 TDs, 3,500 yards, 85 passer rating). It's certainly not a bad place to be, but Brady--and this team--just aren't what they were in 2007, to ESPN's utter disbelief. Its offense is no longer as explosive (though Randy Moss definitely still has it) and its defense is nothing special. Denver, meanwhile, has a defense I'm slowly coming around on (Elvis Dumerville sips pina coladas on a tropical island with me in my dreams) and the best offensive line in the league. They win ugly (thanks Kyle Orton!), but they do win.

My prediction: Denver, 14-13.

That's all for now. Can I get any feedback from you guys on the length of the predictions? I can do longer for each, shorter for each, more predictions, etc.

This is why first impressions are often correct

--Some things are starting to crystallize in my mind regarding this blog:

• I think that I will indeed update daily, but that I'll only have one extended post (e.g. the Andrew Bird post) on music/movies/books once per week, probably on Tuesdays.
• Still thinking that I'll have sports (football duh) on Mondays and Fridays (reactions and predictions, respectively)
• We got peeds, y'all! We're officially on the internet (I had my doubts).
• Seriously, Bill, I respect your game, and you clearly put a lot of thought into that comment (maybe I was looking out into the distance on horseback for some manner of pedophile mirage), but it's over, dog.
• xoxo

--In part to avoid a debilitating oversaturation with Talking Heads a la Sufjan Stevens, I've acquired a truly ridiculous amount of music over the last two months. We've got:

• Monsters of Folk (best name ever), Self-Titled
  
• The Mountain Goats, Tallahassee
• Megafaun, Gather, Form & Fly
• David Byrne and Brian Eno, Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
• David Byrne and Brian Eno, My Life in the Bush of Ghosts
• St. Vincent, Actor
• TVOTR, Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes
• Sunset Rubdown, Dragonslayer
• Sonic Youth, Daydream Nation
• The Rural Alberta Advantage, Hometowns
• My Bloody Valentine, Loveless
  
• Pixies, Doolittle
• Talking Heads, Little Creatures

In all likelihood, I'll skip over most of these when I'm doing my top ten list in January. Not only is there a ton of competition, but I've had a bad and longstanding habit of giving albums less thorough listens than they deserve, and then putting them on the "Honorable Mentions" list (Return to Cookie Mountain and a number of Josh Ritter albums suffered this fate, if I remember correctly, on the original list in 2007). Some of the denser albums I've gotten this year, like Merriweather Post Pavilion and Bitte Orca, will probably get the same treatment. So far, though, Loveless, Hometowns, GF&F and the Byrne/Eno albums are the most promising. Also, a top twenty songs list (new feature!!!!) is taking shape in my brainzone right now.

--Next week's culture post will either be on a Talking Heads album, a movie, or Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino.

--The Cardinals are the chokingest bunch of chokers; disgraceful performances these last two nights.

From the first drop of water, to the raging Niagara...

It would be incorrect to say that I've had a love-hate relationship with Andrew Bird, even ignoring the (alleged) irrationality of claiming to have a relationship with someone I don't know. Really, it's been a lot more of a care-not care relationship.

Ben first introduced me to Andrew Bird around the summer before my junior year, beginning with The Swimming Hour, which I to date still look upon with great fondness. How did I develop this fondness, you ask? By indulging in orgiastic listening excess the likes of which would make Alex from A Clockwork Orange blush.

this is not 'Nam. this is blogging. there are rules.

I made this blog because

• I'm jealous of Mac's blog
• I remember the salad days of LiveJournal, where I would spend hours writing posts only to get zero comments (unless you count Chris Coffee, which I don't)
  
• Just kidding, Chris, everyone gets a free ticket to Zingtown on occasion
• I'm not entirely sure it's not 2004 right now
• Speaking of which, remember how great Garden State was?
• Not really :(
• I'm a narcissist (ladies).

I'll almost certainly be writing about sports, music, movies, and books here in blogfrica, and I'll do my due diligence when it comes to avoiding my personal life (saving the rainforest, inventing a perpetual-motion machine, creating a pheromone to keep the amount of women who mob me on a day-to-day basis manageable) and stick to what you guys really want to read, which are my fascinating opinions. If you don't care about sports, then don't read my sports posts (you sissies). If you don't care about music/movies/books, then don't read those posts (you illiterate Babylonians).

I'll avoid anything and everything to do with philosophy/politics, because more like bore-ophyll, amirite? Yes, I'm right. Besides, I don't want to create deep and abiding tensions within our tightly-knit community so soon (do I look like Ayn Rand to you?). If something really grinds my gears (or chaps my caboose, if I may be so crass), politically speaking, I'll ignore it if at all possible. If something tragic happens (not that tragedies happen anymore, because if I remember correctly a certain Texan is out of the White House [topical!]) I'll probably ignore that, too, for the sake of not looking back on said entry a year later and rolling my eyes at the hyperbole.

In short, this is a blog about culture, except for the politics and religion parts of it (which nobody in this country cares about duh). In addition to answering certain burning questions, my hope is that, in the distant future, while lounging on their spacecouches and smoking their astroturf, the three-eyed indigo children who read this blog will say, "Ah, this is what the ancient hoo-mahns called Brain Porn! (also featuring sports on a weekly basis!)" and then laugh and laugh at our feeble attempts to rival their spacecomedy.